Stalking is a practice that has been around for a very long time but
only recently has become a criminal offence. There are many varieties
and reasons for stalking and many ways of meeting a potential partner
and engaging in relationship.
The intent of this article is to identify the internet
as a means of introduction, not only to a new partner but a potential
nightmare when the relationship comes to an end. Because of the anonymity
that the internet provides, there is far more potential for deception
and misrepresentation than when an introduction occurs naturally face
to face. The dangers of forming relationships online have been well
documented elsewhere. The focus here will be on stalking behavior resulting
from feelings of rejection encountered by one party when the other wants
out of a relationship that simply isn't healthy. The internet just happens
to provide the perfect environment for a stalker to identify a partner
who is less likely to be rejecting because of their own vulnerability.
When an unsuspecting lonely heart logs on to an online
dating service, the last thing on their mind is the possibility that
they may be inviting a potential stalker into their life.
According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics it is
mainly women who are exposed to this type of activity and the major
research in this area appears to concentrate on the female population.
To be classified as stalking, "more than one type of stalking behavior
had to occur, or the same type of behavior had to occur on more than
one occasion" (Australian
Women's Safety Survey 1996, p82.)
Usually curiosity and hopeful anticipation inspires someone
looking for companionship and/or love to submit their profile online
and spend hours scanning through the many candidates offering themselves
as potential partners.
It is very difficult to ascertain from the inviting smiles
and "come hither" poses whether or not potential pitfalls
are hidden beneath an enticing facade.
Profiles are often very artful works of fiction hiding
the truth of a sometimes very disturbed personality.
This may seem a somewhat dramatic claim to some. To others,
it is merely a reminder to be very careful next time - if they are willing
to brave a next time.
Depending on the severity of the stalking experience,
it is possible to suffer long term consequences in the form of post-traumatic
stress disorder. For an elaboration of the potential psychological impact
of stalking behavior on victims please refer to the following paper
presented at a conference convened by the Australian Institute of Criminology
in Sydney, December 7-8 2000:
The
Toll of Stalking
The Relationship Between Features of
Stalking
and Psychopathology of Victims.
E Blaauw
FW Winkel
Department of Clinical Psychology, Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam, The
Netherlands
E Arensman
Department of Clinical & Health Psychology, Leiden University, The
Netherlands
It is for the reasons outlined
in the paper cited above, that I feel compelled to issue a warning regarding
the dangers of online dating to both men and women. Although in the
majority of cases stalkers are male, there are women who occasionally
fit this profile. The psychological damage sustained by such behavior
is similar for both genders, however females are potentially more at
risk physically.
Stalking behavior has been
around since time immemorial, going back to the caveman's MO of seeking
out his victim and then rendering her unconscious with his club. This
was handy as the method produced few objections!
Then of course there are
the modern day dangers of leaving a disco or bar alone and having to
face a range of intrusions from following to other more vicious crimes
of assault, rape, or in extreme cases, murder.
The
Australian Institute of Criminology, provides information on stalking
trends in Queensland, Victoria and South Australia. Stalking behavior
is classified according to the relationship of the stalker to the victim
and whether or not mental illness is present.
The focus of this article
is on stalking behavior within the context of an existing relationship
or after it's demise. An insidious form of stalking occurs when the
victim is enticed into a relationship which they later wish to leave.
The stalker is usually emotionally disturbed and may suffer from a personality
disorder. Fear of rejection is often present and the discomfort and
insecurity of this affliction could lead to bizarre behavior patterns.
Signs
to watch for include impatience or anxiety when:
- phone calls are not
returned quickly enough
- they don't know where
you are or you are late
- a gift or favor is not acknowledged
immediately
- attention is given to your other friends
- they are not the centre of attention
- attending a crowded social function
- they feel left out or not included
While relationships of this nature can
begin after meeting at all the usual places, including a trusted friend's
introduction, online dating presents a different problem.
A computer screen affords the perfect
hiding place for a person plagued with emotional insecurities. They
are able to surf the net in the comfort of knowing they are anonymous.
Often their photo is hidden while they wait for someone else to initiate
contact. Profiles of potential partners are carefully scrutinized and
usually someone who gives the impression of a caring and nurturing nature
is the chosen one. They are also usually vulnerable due to disappointments
in other relationships and loneliness. The perfect choice.
The stalker personality type can present
as highly intelligent and very charming. They can be very alluring,
persuasive and appear to be very interested in you once you
have shown enough interest to gain their trust. Their attention appears
to be fully focused on you. The attention feels wonderful and
you are told you are very special in their life. Before you know it,
you are in a relationship even though you may not be too sure if you
actually want to be there!
Your every word is taken in and stored
in their memory. They listen attentively to what it is you are seeking
in a partner because they want to deliver the goods that will keep you
glued to their side.
Before long, talk of long-term commitment
is setting off alarm bells in your head and even the big M may have
already been mentioned. Have you been going out together for a month
yet? Probably not!
Whatever it is you want in a partner
however, they assure will be provided! Problems only start when you
begin to feel that contact with this person is becoming very "sticky".
It feels draining to be with them rather than energizing. With time
you may even dread spending prolonged time together. Thoughts of extricating
yourself from this relationship occupy your mind and you may try to
initiate separation.
This is easier said than done. When you
are no longer the compliant, loving and nurturing partner, what does
that make you! Public enemy number one, of course!
Loving words are now exchanged for abusive
character assassinations coming at you from unwanted phone calls, SMS
and emails. Whatever may have been revealed of your own insecurities
often come hurtling back at you in an attempt to break down your resolve
for freedom. They may even show up on your doorstep or place of work
wanting an explanation for what they have done wrong.
This is usually followed with apologies
and self-blame and expressions of desire to make things right again.
The anxiety is rising and their fear of rejection escalates.
Their behavior will depend on what you
do at this point. If you succumb, meet and make up, then their anxiety
will be appeased and you are off the hook for the time being. If however,
you refuse to engage in conversation and reconciliation, it could get
nasty. How nasty it gets depends on how it is handled and the severity
of the stalker's affliction.
In any event, it is imperative that you
realize that you are not dealing with a rational person and so any attempt
to disengage from relationship with rational conversation will not work.
This person needs help and this is not your responsibility.
Usually psychological help is appropriate. Sometimes however, a psychiatrist
will need to make an assessment and perhaps prescribe medication.
Your responsibility is to look after yourself and
take all the precautions necessary for your safety. If you have had
at least two instances of stalking behavior it is important to lodge
a complaint at your local police station. They will then advise whether
taking out an AVO (Apprehended Violence Order) is appropriate. Stalking
is now an illegal
offence in NSW and includes the following behaviors:
- Following by any means, car or on
foot
- Lurking in the vicinity of your home
or office
- Sending unwanted mail, cards or gifts
- Sending unwanted emails, SMS
- Unwanted phone calls
- Spreading malicious gossip about you
to your friends, acquaintances or work colleagues, etc
- Damaging or interfering with your
property or vehicle (including leaving notes on the windscreen)
- Giving or leaving offensive material
It is also important to alert trusted
friends, neighbours, work colleagues and anyone else who may be able
to offer support. Support is needed not only for your physical safety,
but your psychological safety as well. Being followed and being subjected
to the invasion of privacy that constitutes stalking behavior can leave
long-term scars. Seek the help of a suitably qualified therapist if
you feel traumatized by your experience. This will help in preventing
any long term damage and provide helpful coping strategies.
Keeping your home secure and being careful
in car parks is important. If necessary, change your telephone number
or use an answering service to screen your calls. Block unwanted emails
and be aware of your surroundings when away from your home or office.
Initially it may help to stay with friends or go away on holiday where
you are removed from your known routines.
It is imperative that the stalker is
given absolutely NO ATTTENTION from you. Even negative attention is
food for the stalker's hunger and will only prolong the situation. Do
not answer their phone calls, emails, SMS or satisfy any attempt of
contact by any means. Ultimately they will lose interest and seek satisfaction
from another source. Have an authority figure such as a police officer
or lawyer contact the stalker to make it very clear that their conduct
is illegal and must stop immediately.
Online dating services offer a wonderful
opportunity of meeting new people if the usual social scene is not your
thing. However, there are risks involved with any form of introduction,
as I mentioned before, even by a trusted, well-meaning friend. Just
be careful and remember the warning signs listed above. If it feels
better when you are alone than when you are with your newly acquired
partner, have a real good ponder on whether your own fears of being
alone are justification for staying in a relationship that just
doesn't feel right.
©2005 Christine Bennett
