Relationships - Creating the love you want

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.

~Eric Fromm

Marriage, or some other form of agreement to enter romantic, monogamous partnership, is still as popular as ever. Despite the sexual revolution and freedom available today, many relationships lead to a formal state of marriage. Even after sometimes lengthy de facto situations, many couples are going that next step and exchanging formal marriage vows.

This commitment is usually taken seriously which in itself can create problems. Where have the fun times gone? Marriage (including de facto marriage) in today's high-tech and fast paced world presents far more opportunities for couples to experience conflict and stress. There seems to be even more expected of today's relationships than ever before. Fear of it not working is a cloud that seems to be lurking overhead before the marriage even takes place, as evidenced by the number of prenuptial agreements.

Couples may often decide to make a life together and then become so engrossed in career and other interests, including child raising, that they might forget about each other. When attention is focused on everything other than the primary relationship, like a neglected plant, it gradually withers and loses vitality.

Counselling can help resolve pre-marriage fears. Counselling may also assist in facilitating a process of change where more beneficial relating skills can be introduced to resurrect a troubled relationship. The most effective time to engage in the counselling process is before a situation reaches crisis point.

The old saying "prevention is better than cure" holds true in relationships in much the same way as any other health concern. If a relationship is allowed to deteriorate to such an extent that contempt takes the place of courtesy and caring, then it is much more difficult to resurrect tender feelings for one another. Anger and resentment often stand in the way of desire to re-connect which can lead to a sense that the relationship is over. This is not necessarily the case and engaging in a series of counselling sessions can certainly help to move beyond hurt feelings.

Dr Matthew Bambling, a psychologist and relationship therapist at Queensland University of Technology is quoted as saying that if couples don't receive help through counselling their chance of "a good outcome" to resolving problems in their relationship is only "35 per cent".

The article, We can work it out (AAP in Sydney Morning Herald, January 10, 2008) states that "Couples who try to sort out their relationship difficulties on their own are only half as likely to make improvements that those who enter therapy, Australian research has found".

The same article also states that "An extensive review of Australian and international relationship therapy research has concluded that couples who worked on their relationship together with a therapist have a 65 per cent chance of achieving a mutually satisfactory improvement in their relationship."

Doesn't it make sense then, to learn how to Love well? When you buy an appliance or a new car - there is usually an instruction book included - or at the very least a guide. There is no such instruction book that comes when you enter a relationship./p>

When two individuals start criticising each other for the different personality traits they fell in love with in the first place, the potential for hurt feelings and strong walls of defence is high. This is when counselling can really help.

A variety of links to media articles follows.

Abusive Relationships

Domestic Violence: Are you in an abusive relationship?

Domestic violence is not just physical abuse. It can also be psychological or emotional bullying. If you're worried you may be in an abusive relationship, have a look at this article from the BBC. You may wish to take the short test available on this site to confirm what you may already sense. It is important to seek help as soon as possible if you believe you are in an abusive relationship.

Stalking: Stalking is illegal in Australia. This article is accompanied by numerous links on stalking behaviour, what to look for and how to protect yourself.

Suscpicious Spouses turn to Spyware - Technology, smh.com.au
"Monitoring a victim's online, cell phone, or general computing activity is of more value than ever in controlling or hurting a victim."

Dennise Simpson, manager of the Domestic Violence Crisis Service in Canberra, said her organisation had dealt with cases of domestic spying for years and "spyware really takes the whole thing up another notch in terms of being able to really watch your partner".

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Chemistry of Attraction

Love on the mind

Recent research suggests romantic attraction is a primitive, biologically based drive, like hunger or sex.

While lust makes our eye wander, it's the drive for romance that allows us to focus on one person, though we often can't explain why. The biology of romance helps account for how we think about passionate love and explain its insanity: why we might travel cross-country for a single kiss and plunge into blackest despair if our beloved turns away.

What is LOVE, actually? The be-all and end-all for so many people turns out to be something quite mundane, really.

Sex chemistry 'lasts two years '.Couples should not worry when the first flush of passion dims - scientists have identified the hormone changes which cause the switch from lust to cuddles.

I get a kick out of you - Love as a chemical addiction

Scientists are finding that, after all, love really is down to a chemical addiction between people.

The brain in love and lust

Romantic love, Dr Helen Fisher explains in a lecture at the 2004 American Psychiatric Association’s annual meeting, is not an emotion. Rather, it’s "a motivation system, it’s a drive, it’s part of the reward system of the brain." It’s a need that compels the lover to seek a specific mating partner. Then the brain links this drive to all kinds of specific emotions depending on how the relationship is going. All the while, she went on to say, the prefrontal cortex is assembling data, putting information into patterns, making strategies, and monitoring the progress toward "life’s greatest prize."

Your dopamine or mine?

Romance junkies will not be surprised by the finding that falling in love is akin to a cocaine hit.

When it strikes, romantic love can feel like a kind of madness. Infatuated people act irrationally. They lose concentration. They feel giddy, wretched and wonderful. It is one of life's most powerful experiences. Emily Dickinson described it as "a perfect - paralysing bliss - contented as despair".

Valentine Shmalentine - Addicted to Love

"When it comes to love, we each produce our own hit of speed to get things going - phenylethylamine (PEA), a kind of amphetamine that releases a flood of dopamine and noradrenaline and all that goes with them. As well as in the minds of the love sick, PEA is found in chocolates, but in levels so small they probably don't explain our addiction to the stuff. It's also a close relative of methylenedioxymethamphetamine - thankfully shortened to both MDMA and ecstasy. The big biological drawback with ecstasy is that it kills parts of some nerve cells - making them swell and burst. Nasty stuff." (1998 Australian Broadcasting Commission)

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Communication

Suffering in solitude - A humorous account on how different men and women can be in their thinking. Men want solitude, women want sympathy - getting sick is an ailment in itself.

Staying silent a killer for wives

Women who force themselves to stay quiet during marital arguments appear to have a higher risk of death, a new study shows. Depression and irritable bowel syndrome are also more common in these women.

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Commitment

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

~Author Unknown

Sociological reasons not to live together

Article from Leadership U citing various research studies on Cohabitation

Main reasons for choosing marriage over living together include:

• "Those who live together before marriage are the least likely to marry each other."
• "Those who live together before marriage have higher separation and divorce rates. "
• "Those who live together before marriage have unhappier marriages."
• "Those who are sexually active before marriage are much more likely to divorce. "
• "Those who have had premarital sex are more likely to have extramarital affairs as well."
• "Those who live together are likely to have a fleeting romance rather than a lasting relationship."
• "Those who have "trial" marriages do not have better marriages."
• "Those who live together have no lasting commitments or responsibilities."
• "Those who live together miss something in the maturing process."
• "Those living-together avoid dealing with some of the joint decisions that married couples have to make."
• "Those who live together often have a "marriage of convenience" or a "marriage of compatibility" rather than a marriage of commitment."
• "Those having premarital sex may be fooled into marrying a person who is not right for them."
• "Those living together have superficial and significantly weaker relationships."
• "Those who live together have more difficulty resolving conflicts."
• "Those who live together before marriage can kill the romance."
• "Those who live together before marriage often lay a foundation of distrust and lack of respect."
• "Those who live together do not experience the best sex."
• "Those who live together often face parental disapproval."
• "Those who live together hurt their children."
• "Those who live together before marriage often lack a common purpose."
• "Those who live together before marriage do not have an egalitarian relationship."
• "Those who live together before marriage do not have specialization of responsibilities."
• "Those who live together before marriage have less support and benefits."

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Divorce and Separation

Divorce rate falls as marriage lasts

The report, Divorces Australia, found that the national divorce rate had dropped, for the fifth year in a row, by 1024, or 2 per cent, from 52,399 in 2005 to 51,375 in 2006.

Divorce: A man's survival guide

"If you're a man facing separation and divorce, the way you respond to the crisis can make a big difference to your health," writes Stephen Pincock for ABC Health and Wellbeing.

Crisis? Maybe he's a narcissistic jerk - New York Times

Richard A. Friedman, a professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College discusses what is commonly known as the mid-life crisis. He claims that it most often affects men and is used as "socially acceptable shorthand for what you do when you suddenly wake up and discover that you’re not 20 anymore."

"The main culprit", says Dr Friedman, "is our youth-obsessed culture, which makes a virtue of the relentless pursuit of self-renewal. The news media abound with stories of people who seek to recapture their youth simply by shedding their spouses, quitting their jobs or leaving their families. "

Split city: Divorcees by postcode - Relationships - Life & Style Home, smh.com.au, July 19 2008

"Mosman is the divorce capital of Sydney, and it is mostly women who are keeping the family home. Erik Jensen reports.

BLUES POINT TOWER is an ex-husband hotspot. Satellite to the divorce capital of Sydney - Mosman - the concrete shaft draws them in with furnished apartments, three-month leases and proximity to the family home.

Fresh analysis of the 2006 census for the Herald shows there are more than 1200 divorcees in Mosman, with lone women outnumbering men two to one. Blacktown is next on Sydney's list of most divorcees, though there the breakdown between men and women levels out. In Mosman, 7.8 per cent of dwellings are home to single divorcees, in the Blacktown the figure is 5.1 per cent."

Switching partners can hurt children - Article by Adele Horin, Relationships - Life & Style Home, smh.com.au, July 10 2008

"CHILDREN can suffer when their divorced or separated parents jump from one live-in relationship to another, says a leading US expert who urges sole parents to "slow down".

Andrew Cherlin, a professor of sociology and public policy at Johns Hopkins University, Baltimore, said: "If you are a lone mum don't move a man into the household until you are sure this is the man who will be a lasting presence.""

Impact of divorce lasts for decades - Sherill Nixon, Relationships - Life & Style Home, smh.com.au, July 10 2008

"THE emotional and social impacts of divorce are felt for decades after a marriage breaks down, leaving a generation of older Australians vulnerable to loneliness and poor health.

A new study into the wellbeing of Australians aged between 55 and 74 - the first generation to experience divorce at high rates - found divorcees felt more socially isolated and less satisfied with life compared with married men and women.

Remarrying seems to allay the negative impacts of divorce, with people who married again reporting similar levels of social support, life satisfaction and health as those who were married to their first spouse.

The research, led by Professor David de Vaus of La Trobe University in Melbourne, follows a study that showed divorce had negative impacts on the financial situation of divorcees decades later."

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Health Issues

Love Hurts: Living with Herpes

"Dealing with the symptoms of herpes is bad enough, but as Kathy Graham discovered, getting an accurate diagnosis and appropriate treatment was even more painful." Reported for ABC Health and Wellbeing.

Herpes Simplex virus

"The two strains of the herpes simplex virus cause both cold sores and genital herpes. Both cause a lifelong infection." Chris Smith writes for ABC Health and Wellbeing.

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Infidelity and Affairs

Our cheating hearts

Last year, A Gallup poll on moral issues revealed that Americans were more offended by adultery than they were by either polygamy or human cloning. Forget mortgages, politics and footy, the real dinner party stopper is talk of infidelity. But if it's so abhorrent, how do so many of us find ourselves caught up in it?

In praise of desire and infidelity - Paul Sheehan In Opinion smh.com.au

"If you are a woman in her 40s or 50s, living in an arid marriage or partnership, and are not having an affair or contemplating one, you are behaving unnaturally," writes Paul Sheehan in Opinion (SMH).

"If the scale and composition of the more than half-million membership base of RSVP is any guide, the magnitude of sensually deprived older women is considerable. Yes, indeed it is, says Helen Fisher, of the department of anthropology at Rutgers University in New Jersey, and the author, most recently, of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. "We have a very long middle age now," she says. Women are living longer, healthier lives than previous generations and have much more time to regenerate their sensuality. It's not just about sex. It's about intimacy. "Romantic love is a much stronger and longer human need than the sex drive," she says."

Love, soul mates and the whole gag-worthy shebang - Ask Sam blog, smh.com.au

"It's an inescapable fact that when we fall in love we want to shout from the rooftops about it. We drone on about how wonderful the person we've just met is (even if we're the only one who thinks so) to anyone that will listen and ignore the phalanx who declare they're really not really as good as we perceive them to be."

"Speaking to a psychologist friend of mine (writes Sam,) whose been married for 25 years, he explained that this little thing called love - this word that we flippantly wave around when we think we've met our match (even if it's after our third martini) - actually best describes the relationship between two people that arrives after a long-term marriage with a lifetime commitment to each other and a couple of kids in tow.

"This is what real love is really about," he announced, gesturing towards a photo of his family. "All the other stuff is just lust and sexual desire."

The trouble (as we know all too well) is that lust and sexual desire can take over our rational minds and mask itself as love. And while we all know men are suckers for big breasts, and that women go ga-ga over a man with a deep voice and loads of chest hair, (this theory goes back to the caveman era), when it occurs thousands of miles away from domestic bliss, heightened sexual attraction can dupe the rational mind."

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Myths and Fairytales

It's wiser to love our lot in life

"For all the modern world's cynicism, many of us do carry elements of fairytale fancy with us into adulthood - it just isn't the dwarfs, the fairy godmother, or even a lust for Candace Bushnell-style expensive shoes. It's the notion of a happily ever after, a neat and simple solution to the longing for more that is part of being human."

In this article from SMH online, Rachel Hills uses Walt Disney's latest movie Enchanted as a basis for discussing the concept of "happy ever after". She talks about fairytales originally having a more realistic mix of trials and tribulations as well as happiness. Modern cinema productions and children's bedtime stories tend to gloss over the harsher realities of life, leaving children with the delusional idea that life should be a bed of roses.

When this turns out to be otherwise, grown adults may be inclined to believe they have made the wrong choices. If it had been the "right" choice, everything would have worked out perfectly.....

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Sexuality

The female orgasm - Radio National Health Report

Professor Emerita Beverly Whipple from Rutgers University in New Jersey is co-author of the famous bestselling book The G Spot. In this interview presented by Norman Swan, she talks about the female orgasm in detail, about some myths, some assumptions and facts.

How porn is wrecking relationships
For some Australians, the rising tide of internet pornography has offered a form of sex education. It has helped extend sexual repertoires, re-invigorated flagging sex lives, and assuaged anxieties or hang-ups. It has been, some argue, a liberation.

But internet pornography is also emerging as the new marriage-wrecker. More and more clients, counsellors say, have begun to cite internet pornography as a factor in their relationship breakdowns.

The technology has created what some call an addiction. Others are more cautious, describing it as a compulsion. Whatever the label, internet pornography is becoming yet another outlet for those with pre-existing compulsive personalities while for others, it has made it easier to do the things that a former head of the American Academy for Matrimonial Lawyers, J.Lindsey Short, says "traditionally lead to divorce".

One in three porn viewers are women

Record numbers of Australians are visiting pornographic web sites, including sexually explicit dating sites - and one in three of them is a woman.

Does size matter?
Sex columnist, Maureen Matthews answers Sydney Morning Herald readers' questions on relationship issues. In this article Maureen discusses penis size and whether or not it matters in intimate relationships. Men's self esteem and insecurity around whether they "measure up" is also discussed.

2busy 4sex
10 unlikely shortcuts for more bedroom action.

Hot for it? Or not?
"When one partner wants more sex than the other, tensions can run high. But mismatched libidos need not mean the end of an otherwise good relationship," writes Nicky Ruscoe for ABC Health and Wellbeing.

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What Works

Love is blind

"Turning a blind eye to a partner's faults is the key to a happy relationship, research suggests." An Article by Cathy Johnson reported in ABC Health and Wellbeing.

John Gottman - Information from a marriage expert

"John Gottman, Ph.D., is recognized for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, involving the study of emotions, physiology, and communication. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded the Family Research Lab, also known as “The Love Lab.” He has earned several awards for his research on marriage and parenting, including four National Institute of Mental Health Research Scientist Awards."

Dr. Gottman studied marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, he shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship and includes a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises similar to the ones found in his workshops.

These are his seven principles for making marriage work:

• "Maintain awareness of your partner’s world."

• "Foster fondness and admiration."

• "Turn toward instead of away."

• "Accept your partner’s influence."

• "Solve solvable conflicts."

• "Cope with unresolvable conflicts."

• "Create shared meaning."

Harville Hendrix - Advice from a relationship expert

"Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., is a pastoral counselor whose specialty is marriage and other intimate relationships. He has spent more than 35 years as a therapist, educator, workshop leader, and public lecturer. He has specialized in studying intimate partnerships and couples therapy for the past 15 years."

According to Harville Hendrix:

• "Psychologists say that “chemistry” is really our unconscious attraction to someone who we imagine will meet our particular emotional needs. What we unconsciously want is to get what we didn’t get in childhood from someone who is like the people who didn’t give us what we needed in the first place."
  
• "Love and anger are two sides of the same coin."
  
• "Most marriages fail because of the persistence of the unconscious aspects of the relationship. Any unfinished business we had with our caretakers becomes a compelling agenda with our partners. All too commonly, however, the partners never become aware of the hidden needs that drive their relationship and never learn the skills they need to successfully address those needs. "

John Gray - Advice from a relationship expert

"John Gray, Ph.D. is a best-selling relationship author and expert. In his book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex, he provides a useful and proven way for men and women to communicate better by acknowledging the differences between them. "


Some tips from John Gray for what works between couples is:

"The number one way a man can succeed in fulfilling a woman’s primary love needs is through communication. By learning to listen to a woman’s feelings, a man can effectively shower a woman with caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance."

"A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood."

"To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own."

"One of the things that’s so hard for women to understand is that there are certain differences and you can’t change them. If you try to change them it will not work. And that basic difference is the man needs to be the pursuer. If you pursue a man more than he pursues you, he becomes the pursued and he loses touch with his ability to hunger for her, to want her, to be motivated to do things to get her. Men have to be driven, they have to find that there’s a distance, and I have to cross over that distance. I have to get to her. I have to win her over. "

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