According to Dr John Van Epp, in his book
titled How
to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, "Unhealthy emotional needs
lead people to develop one of three relationship patterns that attempt
to interpersonally resolve what can only be fixed intrapersonally.
In other words, when you do not deal directly with your issues, they
often become embedded in your relationships."
This idea stresses the importance of healing past emotional wounds
on a personal level before becoming entangled in a relationship and
projecting blame on a partner.
Dr Van Epp proposes that it can take up to three months into a relationship
before any of these patterns become evident. He stresses the importance
of taking the time to get to know someone really well before making
any long term plans together.
THE THREE PATTERNS that Dr John Van Epp
has identified are summarized as:
-
IDEALIZATION: This pattern occurs when disappointment
and pain is avoided by viewing the relationship through rose-coloured
glasses. In this way it becomes easy to avoid seeing realty.
Van Epp suggests that sometimes a person is "so determined
to live (the) dream, that (they overlook) certain warning signals
in order to fulfill idealistic wishes".
Men with this profile, "usually turn out to be controlling,
narcissistic, and emotionally abusive. They often have an extreme
swing from infatuation to detachment as soon as some imperfection
blemishes their ideal love."
-
IDENTIFICATION: This dynamic occurs when one imbalanced
person gets together with an equally imbalanced person. Van Epp
uses the example in his book of bossy wife with an equally compliant
husband. In order for one person to act out their pattern, they
need their equal and opposite partner to enact the pattern.
Van Epp says that, "The problem with this kind of opposites-attract
dynamic is that instead of fixing your emotional imbalance, you
identify the opposite quality in someone else and think that your
relationship will complete what is lacking. It doesn't! Instead,
the relationship multiplies the problems and drives you further
from center".
"The message is clear", advises Dr Van Epp, "fix
yourself first, or your unresolved emotional problems will disrupt
both your choice of a partner and the relationship you establish".
- INCARNATION: This pattern occurs when "you
are prone to re-create the dynamics of an unresolved relationship
where your needs were not fulfilled."
"It is as if you have the script of some unhealthy relationship
pattern written in your head, and you keep playing out your part -
only with different characters. Some refer to this as a self-fulfilling
prophesy. The old story line keeps repeating and culminating in the
same destructive ending. Naturally, you are shocked each time this
happens, as if you never saw it coming. You promise yourself you will
never get involved in this type of relationship again, only to arrange
a new cast with the same old script".
