Dad is important too
Once conception has occurred and the happy event announced –
there is potential for the father-to-be to feel left out as mother and
baby-in-the-making take centre stage.
It is really important that this is avoided by including dad as much
as possible in the pre-natal visits to doctors and to the pre-natal
classes in birthing and parenting that are offered.
Attending visits when an ultra-sound takes place allows the father-to-be
to see physical evidence of the new life that will soon be his child.
Sometimes pregnancy can seem like a surreal process to the father-to-be.
Particularly in the early stages of pregnancy, it is often something
that is talked about and yet separate from his experience.
Tracking baby’s growth together
Reading parenting books together and discussing the stage by stage
development of baby’s growth is another way that the dad-to-be
can feel included and part of the excitement of new life in-the-making.
Sometimes men feel their job is done at conception while the mother-in-waiting
can feel very alone, if left to her own devices during and following
pregnancy. The solution lies in sharing the whole experience together
and including one another in all aspects of creating and nurturing the
wonder and miracle of a new life.
Bonding early
Dad being present at the birth is also important to enable early bonding
to take place while participating to whatever extent is comfortable,
for all concerned. Supporting his partner during labour may be confronting
and scary for the new dad. However the rewards are enormous.
Being the first to hold the newborn infant can be a powerful bonding
experience for the father, who can then place the baby on mother for
skin to skin contact and initiation time at the breast. I have heard
many times about the awe and wonder that a new father feels when first
holding his newly delivered baby in his arms.
These ideas may all sound simplistic and straight forward to some.
However, it is when the father is left out of these early experiences,
that he is more likely to feel superfluous and overlooked.
Being able to bring baby to the mother for feeding and then engaging
in the burping, changing, bathing, dressing, cuddling times can all
be ways the new dad can be encouraged to take part in early parenting.
This not only gives the new mum a break, it also enables a sense of
sharing between the couple. It becomes the couple’s experience
of parenting rather than the mother’s only.
It can be tempting sometimes for a new mother to be overly protective
and possessive when it comes to caring for her newborn. This often includes
her husband if she doesn’t trust him to know what to do.
Feeling abandoned
I have heard from several mothers that they have felt abandoned by
their husband’s when left at home with a newborn. The new father
usually returns to work soon after mother and newborn arrive home. This
may leave the new mum feeling abandoned and fearful that she will not
know what to do.
Feelings of uncertainty around how often to feed, how long to feed,
what to do if baby cries, what each cry means, are the bowel motions
normal and so on. Even concerns around what food to include in her diet,
may be of concern to the new mother.
Contraception after 6 weeks
It is important, particularly following a caesarian section, that a
suitable method of contraception be practiced. Usually this is discussed
during the visit to doctor, 6 weeks after delivery. Doctors are concerned
that adequate healing takes place before the stain of another pregnancy
is placed on the uterus.
Agreement about size of family
It is important that new parents discuss their expectations and goals
around the number of children they wish to bring into their family.
I often hear that couples do not discuss this important topic. Then,
if pregnancy occurs when it hasn’t been planned or agreed upon,
it can lead to resentment and upset the couple’s relationship.
Feelings of being manipulated or tricked into having children do not
serve the wellbeing of a marriage.
Sex and intimacy
The demands that a newborn and a growing family place on a relationship
sometimes get in the way of the couple’s enjoyment of sex and
intimacy. It is easy to become so caught up in daily routine and fatigue
that remembering to spend quality time together can be difficult.
Unless quality time is planned then, it doesn’t seem to happen.
As the couple forms the foundation of the family, if this foundation
is not attended to regularly, it may crumble under the strain of everyday
stress and put the family unit at risk.
Dating
Couples somehow, still need to find time to “date” one
another. Where there’s a will, there’s a way and it requires
planning. Grandparents or other family members are usually only too
happy to be given the opportunity to baby-sit. Alternatively, friends
may take it in turns to baby-sit each other’s children. If finances
allow, then a professional baby-sitter can be regularly engaged to give
the couple time out with one another.
The undivided attention possible on a date is important to keep the
love alive in a relationship. I like using the analogy of a beautiful
plant. When a plant is forgotten and deprived of regular water and light
it dies. The same happens to a neglected relationship. A relationship
is an organic process and requires the interaction of care between each
person for any relating to take place.
What about me?
Somehow or other dads seem to still make it to their game of golf or
favorite pass-time “after children”. The person most likely
to suffer from self neglect is mum. This can and often does bring about
resentment and is a factor in undermining the health of the relationship.
Just as important as spending time together as a couple, is spending
time on the self. Self care is imperative. Even airlines recognize this
when they instruct passengers to place the oxygen mask on themselves
first before attending to small children.
Mothers are continually putting out energy. Giving to their children
and their partners and often holding down a responsible career as well.
Something has to give if the batteries are not replenished with some
super quality self care. Adequate rest, time for coffee with girlfriends,
time for exercise, time to attend to personal grooming, time alone to
just “be” and so on is often seen as an impossible ask.
This is where dad needs to offer a hand and do some extra baby-sitting
while mum takes a break. Grandparents can often help out too along with
whoever can be engaged to take over for a while, so mum can have much
needed respite.
Feeling desirable
Feeling like a desirable woman instead of a baby-making machine can
sometimes be a problem for a new mother. Her waistline seems to have
vanished forever and a baby’s demands on her body and time can
be overwhelming. This can be compounded if her partner stops showing
affection or being reassuring in his love for her.
This is a crucial time for a man to understand what it might be like
for his lady and be consciously supportive and understanding.
Feelings of guilt and inadequacy
Sometimes a new mum is her own worst enemy in thinking that somehow
she is supposed to be superhuman and do the lot without help. Maybe
her own mother appeared this way. Feelings of fatigue, insecurity or
guilt for wanting time out, may get in the way of her organizing the
very thing she needs most.
Sometimes reassurance is all that is needed and sometimes professional
help may be beneficial if depression becomes a problem.
What happened to my brain?
As if the physical changes aren’t enough, a new mother sometimes
suffers from lack of intellectual stimulation. If she chooses to stay
at home for some time, baby talk may take over her conversational repertoire.
After some time, this could lead to problems engaging in adult conversation,
particularly if she doesn’t stay abreast of current affairs and
social concerns in the outside world.
This becomes another valid reason for social interaction and time out
alone with partner as well as friends. Keeping up to date with news,
current affairs and reading in areas of interest are all important aspects
to staying healthy.
