Dating - Coaching for Singles to find the Love you Want

Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.

~Kahlil Gibran

Dating Success - attracting your perfect partner

• Are you sick and tired of the dating scene?

• Do you find yourself meeting the same type that turns into heartache time after time?

• Do you want to be in the relationship of your dreams now or preferably yesterday?

IF this is YOU, then you may need some help in finding what you are looking for in someone who will qualify as a life partner instead of another let down.

Meanwhile there are some interesting articles here that shed some light on dating success and how to navigate your way through the singles scene.

Just click on article title below to go straight to article of interest. To read entire article from original source, click on blue title link.

John Gray's Five Stages of Dating

John Gray, author of the bestseller Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, identifies five stages of dating and offers guidelines to navigate these five stages in his book, Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship

(The views of John Gray are not necessarily those of Christine Bennett in Caring4Couples and are offered for general information only.)

1. Attraction - getting to know one another

2. Uncertainty - questioning whether or not a partner is "right"

3. Exclusivity - dating only each other without competition

4. Intimacy - sharing more, being more open, emotionally and physically

5. Engagement - certain about making a commitment to love one another through marriage

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What makes a compatible partner?

A Guide to Office Romance

A Guide to Office Romance - Management Line - Executive Style: Leon Gettler in smh.com.au, August 19, 2009

"Office relationships seem to be inevitable. And as the new Sandra Bullock film The Proposal makes clear, they can be fraught with all sorts of issues, from boundaries to interfering with people’s lives.

In the past, I have done entries like the one here warning about the risks. Dating someone from the workplace has been compared to eating at your desk. It’s going to get messy. But great relationships can start in the office, as long as people stick to some rules. What are they?"

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Getting Lucky in Love Gets Harder after Heartbreak

Getting Lucky in Love Gets Harder after Heartbreak: smh.com.au, Lifestyle, July 11, 2009

Carol Nader writes: "SERIAL monogamy or flying solo? It may be a case of once bitten twice shy, or simply a lack of opportunity or desire. But several years after a relationship reaches its tearful finale, many remain — not necessarily unhappily — single.

Does having a prolific past make it easier or harder to find a new partner? Does breaking up mean breaking up forever? And do opposites really attract, or just attract for a little while?

Next week, a conference in Melbourne will hear from social researchers who will seek to answer these questions based on data from the Household, Income and Labour Dynamics in Australia survey.

One perhaps crushing statistic that has emerged is that more than half the people who experience a relationship breakdown — whether it's marriage or cohabiting — are still single after five years. A study that tracked more than 920 people who became single around 2001 found that five years later, 57 per cent were still single.

And most of those who did enter a new relationship — some 80 per cent — shied away from marriage in favour of just shacking up with their new beloved."

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It's not You, It's Your Books

It's Not You, It's Your Books: Ask Sam, smh.com.au, 19 May 2009

"Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested," - Sir Francis Bacon

""Why the hell are you reading that?" a man once asked me after walking into my bedroom. No, he wasn't referring to my stack of FHM magazines, the Kosher Kama Sutra or the latest Jackie Collins novel that sat on my bedside table. Instead, the offending item he'd spotted was a book titled Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition by Harville Hendrix.

While I attempted to laugh it off and convince him that it was purely for work "research" purposes, he wasn't buying any of it. Instead, throughout dinner that night, he proceeded to cautiously eye me out for any signs that I might lurch into a diatribe that would include the words "love", "kids' names", "wedding songs" and "couples' therapy", even though we'd been dating merely a few weeks ... "

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Beware of L'Homme Fatale

Beware of L'Homme Fatale: Ask Sam, smh.com.au, 17 April 2009

"Just when you thought you had the "non-dateables" down to an exact science (Mr Booty-Call, Mr Too-Picky, Mr Midlife-Meltdown, Mr I've-slept-with-your-best-friend and so on), another regrettable male type is introduced into the dating lexicon.

The New York Observer reports that this type of dude is more sinister than the Player, more frightening than a Pick-up Artist and more difficult to spot.

Introducing L'Homme Fatale, who - unlike his female counterpart (think Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct or the women from Desperate Housewives, who all use their sexual allure to get what they want) - is not nearly as pretty, sexy or seductive.

In fact, the Observer reports: "He's usually not the best-looking guy in the room ... but unlike the typical womaniser, whose game is laughably easy to detect, the Homme Fatale's modus operandi is more emotional and controlling than it is physical, leaving a wreckage that is, in the end, more disastrous".

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Cracking the Male Code

Cracking the Male Code: Life & Style - Life Matters, smh.com.au, 8th April, 2009

"Steve Harvey is a traitor to mankind. Or at least to men.

His book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment, offers surprising insights into the male mentality and gives women a few strategies for taming that unruly beast."

Harvey encourages women not to compromise.

"The one thing I've learned as a man is, we don't mind rising up to the bar," he says. "But if you don't have a bar, we're only going to give you as much respect as you demand. The main crux is to get women to upgrade, to demand respect. If that takes a little time to get from a man, so be it."

One of his relationship axioms: Don't give up the cookie (his euphemism for sex) until you've been dating at least 90 days. "

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Meeting Mrs Right

Meeting Mrs Right: Ask Sam Friday, smh.com.au

In this Herald Blog, Sam Brett asks the question, "why is it so hard to meet Mrs Right?

Psychiatrist, Dr Victoria Lukats, conducted research and found that those who haven't been on a date in the last six months or had a relationship in more than a year, had accumulated a build-up of "Dating Toxins" .....

"Lukats posits there are five key toxins that most affect our search for a soul mate: shyness, fussiness, low self-esteem, lack of opportunity and desperation. Sound familiar? The trouble is most of us are completely clueless as to how to combat them."

"While there are no fancy jabs or organic diets that can do the trick, Lukats has come up with a unique "Dating Detox" that uses cognitive behavioural therapy, psychoanalysis and new dating etiquette. It requires consultations, exercises and homework."

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Reel Love

Reel Love - Lifematters - LifeAndStyle - smh.com.au, 9th Feb 2009

"Has Hugh Grant ruined romance? Melissa Kent investigates the "Notting Hill effect".
Fantasy, actually ... has Hugh Grant distorted our expectations of love?

Love, to quote Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge, is like oxygen. Love is a many splendoured thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love!

Or so the movies have always told us. After all, love is the central tenet of a thousand romantic comedies, the very core of Hugh Grant's career, the raison d'etre of Meg Ryan. Love makes us sit down with our beloved on Valentine's Day and pop You've Got Mail into the DVD player.

Well, before you hit the play button next Saturday (Valentine's Day), there is something you should know: romantic comedies and the Hollywood love machine could be ruining your love life.

Yes, you could be suffering from the "Notting Hill effect", as it has been dubbed by the British press - a condition far worse than Grant's penchant for illicit pit-stops on Sunset Boulevard.

According to a team of social psychologists at Heriot-Watt University in Edinburgh, romantic comedies give us unrealistic expectations about our own relationships, filling our heads with silly notions of soulmates, predestined love, great sex and Richard Curtis happy-ever-after endings."

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A Marriage Made to Order

A Marriage Made to Order - Telegraph, London

Julia Llewellyn Smith reports in smh.com.au about the growing popularity of using matchmaking services to find a marriage partner. An exclusive upmarket agency in London charges a considerable amount of money and guarrantees an 80% success rate of making a long term match. "Long term" for this purpose is defined as 6 months by the agency.

"All the research shows people are finding it increasingly difficult to find a partner because they're working longer and don't have time to socialise," says Denise Knowles of the relationship counsellors Relate. "In our cash-rich, time-poor society we're used to the idea of paying someone else to do things for us, be it housework or ironing, so why not pay someone to find your partner, too?"

"Scarred by their parents' divorces, today's twenty- and thirtysomethings are, it seems, looking for unions based on shared, enduring values rather than short-lived physical attraction. The shift from lust to longevity was heralded by Marian Salzman, an influential American trendspotter, whose past coups have included popularising the terms "metrosexual" and "singleton". Now Salzman hails the return of "arranged marriages", where friends and family help select a spouse. "Affection and mutual interests will be more important than lust," she says."

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Suddenly Single? Stages of Overcoming a Breakup

Suddenly Single? Stages of Overcoming a Breakup. smh.com.au blog, Ask Sam! Sex, Dating and Relationships

"Litres of champagne, boxes of Lindt Chocolate and many a one night stand have been had in trying to overcome a break up. And no matter how many times people may tell you that "everything happens for a reason", or that "there's someone infinitely better around the corner" or that "you'll meet someone else when you least expect it" (by the way, does this ever truly happen?), breaking up is never easy. No matter how bad or toxic the union had become and no matter how much gumption it took to finally make the break, the prospect of never again being able to sleep with, speak to or confide in the other person is a gigantic shock to the system.

Ask someone that's recently been separated or divorced and with gentle exasperation, they'll tell you they're "doing fine", when you know all too well that underneath their facade, they're crying out like an injured animal desperate to get back to their matrimonial cave quickly, forgetting why they ended things in the first place.

By the reckoning of authors Marni Kamins and Janice MacLeod of The Breakup Repair Kit (Canari Press), there are eight stages of a break up which can affect the newly single. The authors also dictate that in order to move on from the whole ordeal and come out alive on the other side without too much baggage, resentment or loose screws, we need to let the stages simply run their course instead of battling against their elements.

So with the rising divorce rates, the prevalence of affairs and the toxic break ups abound, we proffer up to you the eight stages of a break up in hope you can identify what's coming, where you're at and know that you're not alone but that if you ride it through, you will survive ..."

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Are You (or are you dating) a Player?

Are You (or are you dating) a Player? smh.com.au blog, Ask Sam! Sex, Dating and Relationships

"As an avid connoisseur of all things relationships related, (or so I like to believe), it strikes me as odd that two of my close friends are currently ensconced in unions that I'm completely baffled by. While I would describe them both as "casual dalliances", (after all they've only just met the guys and both never seems to call when they say they will), my girlfriends prefer to term their flings as "intense relationships with a guy they're hoping will propose sometime soon"."

"The trouble is that while the Player makes us feel like we're the most important woman in the world, (and makes us addicted to feeling this way), he's giving the same confidence booster to every other one of his conquest (or "opponents" as they like to see us). And if you've noticed that your man often decides to cancel you at the last moment, Kimes says don't fret.

"He'll tell you that he's working late or that he's not feeling well, but what's really happened is that he met a new opponent with longer legs and wanted to upgrade."

And when we feel our man is slipping away faster than our interest in speed dater with bad breath, we do what any normal "red-blooded" girl would do: we sleep with them. Unfortunately while we "see fireworks, he only hears the final buzzer," Kimes explains. "The game is over and he came out the winner. And now that he's won the game, he moves on to his next game of the series in his perpetual quest to play in the Super Bowl of love.""

You may also be interested in the Dangers of Online Dating on my blog:
Dangers of Online Dating

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How to Avoid an Unhappy Relationship (and when is it time to move on?)

How to avoid an unhappy relationship (and when is it time to move on?)
smh.com.au blog, Ask Sam! Sex, Dating and Relationships

"In the classic film Annie Hall, Woody Allen tells girlfriend, Diane Keaton, that a relationship is like a shark: "It has to constantly move forward or it dies. I think what we've got on our hands is a dead shark." (This was apparently referring to their real-life tumultuous relationship).

The film explores the question of the age-old dilemma: what makes a great relationship morph from steamy and sexy into an unsalvageable dead shark? Is it too many petty arguments? Fundamental character differences? Or simply unrealistic expectations? (After all, it's repeatedly drummed into our minds that being in a relationship will solve all our sad singleton woes.)"

In this SMH blog, Sam Brett explores the key elements in creating and maintaining a great relationship. A most enlightening video is inlcuded to demonstrate most succinctly, what you can do to guarrantee a relationship's demise in seven easy steps!

Relevant books mentioned in this blog include:

100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships: What Scientists Have Learned and How You Can Use It (100 Simple Secrets) by David Niven.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

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No-Lame Ways to End a Relationship

No-lame ways to end a relationship - smh.com.au blog, Ask Sam! Sex, Dating and Relationships

Sam Brett from Ask Sam! offers advice on how to dump someone the non-lame way:

• Never send them a text

• Don't dump them in a voice message

• Don't dump them over Facebook or declare you're "no longer listed in a relationship" even before the person realises they've been dumped. (True story!)

• Don't dump them on the phone if the relationship lasted for more than two months

• Don't dump them in their favourite bar or restaurant or place to hang out, otherwise they'll have nowhere to go when they want to drown their sorrows and forget all about you

• Don't make small talk for too long - get straight to the break up point

• Don't think that by playing the disappearing game it means you've broken up. It doesn't

• Don't think having an affair means you're saved from doing the dumping either

• Don't dump them in a public place

• Don't dump them when you're drunk

• Don't expect them not to seek revenge.

• Don't dump them if you know they've got incriminating photos or video footage of you that could end up on the internet or circulating on the office email. Trust us, it's not worth it.

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Six Ways to Woo Your Lover

Six ways to woo your lover - From issue 2549 of New Scientist magazine, 27 April 2006, page 4

"LET YOUR BODY DO THE TALKING

We all hunt for the perfect chat-up line, but in reality, our body gives away a great deal before we open our mouth. It is estimated that when you meet a stranger, their impression of you is based 55 per cent on your appearance and body language, 38 per cent on your style of speaking and a mere 7 per cent on what you actually say.

So what can we learn from the experts? There are a number of actions that signal "I like you" to another person. Adopting an open posture (no folded arms), and mirroring another's posture help create a feeling of affinity. Most people are not conscious of being mirrored, but evaluate those who do it more favourably. And it is worth adopting stances that enhance your masculinity or femininity, such as placing hands in pockets with elbows out to enlarge ..."

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Rebound Relationships: Can they ever morph into something more?

Rebound relationships: Can they ever morph into something more? - smh.com.au blog, Ask Sam! Sex, Dating and Relationships

"Sad but true, psychologists will tell us that the only way to avoid the rebound is to "find ourselves" and work out who we truly are, before moving on to someone else. But as one successful rebounding friend constantly reminds me; "Don't be scared to rebound because you just could run in to the love of your life." Cheers to that. It's just the rest of us that have to worry about being caught in a rebounder's tumultuous web ..."

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How to pick Mr or Ms Right

"Years of clinical research along with observations from his own private practice have inspired Dr John Van Epp to develop universally applicable, proven strategies to navigate the complexities of love." His book, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk - The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind, offers sound advice and provides very effective strategies for being more discriminating in choosing a partner. By combining the feelings of the heart along with assessing a potential partner's behaviour over time, Dr Van Epp proposes that making a successful choice of a long term partner becomes more viable.

He teaches ways to maximise the potential of finding "the one" utilising certain valuable techniques. Some of these include:

• ASK the right questions to inspire meaningful, revealing conversations

• ANALYZE your prospective mate's level of conscientiousness - considered the window of the soul

• JUDGE character based on compatibility, relationship skills, friends, and patterns from family and previous relationships

• RESOLVE your own emotional baggage so you're ready for a healthy relationship

• OPEN your eyes to problems in the relationship and stop giving a jerk too many chances

• IDENTIFY - and break - destructive dating patterns that prevent you from finding a life partner
  
  
  Notes on a JERK:

  "Jerks have no gender" - yet have certain identifying characteristics:

  1. They break boundaries - For example, "The Player. Players have an insatiable appetite for attention and the intoxicating excitement of infatuation." They seek the novelty of frequent "highs" brought on by a new love object and run a mile from commitment. They also like to hang on to the current love interest while seeking another at the same time.
     
     Another type of boundary breaker is the "Space Invader". "Space invaders have a never-ending entitlement to your attention, interest, money, time, and emotional support.

  2. They are unable to see things from anyone else's perspective but their own. "You feel a void of never being understood or validated."

  3. They have "a dangerous lack of emotional controls and balance." These people are unable to express feelings appropriately and often oscillate from being over indulgent to withdrawal.

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