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The Dating Game

 

Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.

~Kahlil Gibran

Dating Coaching for singles
 


John Gray, author of the bestseller Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, identifies five stages of dating and offers guidelines to navigate these five stages in his book, Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship

(The views of John Gray are not necessarily those of Christine Bennett in Caring4Couples and are offered for general information only.)

 

John Gray's Five Stages of Dating

 
  1. Attraction - getting to know one another

  2. Uncertainty - questioning whether or not a partner is "right"

  3. Exclusivity - dating only each other without competition

  4. Intimacy - sharing more, being more open, emotionally and physically

  5. Engagement - certain about making a commitment to love one another through marriage

 

Finding Your Perfect Partner

 


Rose Zhou, director of YourPerfectPartner offers personalised introduction and tailored social events for singles.

Rose operates in a professional, multicultural environment and also offers image consultancy.

Rose may be contacted on 02 9261 4266 or 0411 768 636. Rose may also be contacted by email.




 

What makes a compatible partner?

 


Dr John Van Epp in his book How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, says that "it seems in most successful relationships, the two partners have a blend of similarities and differences in personalities, backgrounds, and lifestyles. The balance of this blend is what makes or breaks the couple."

He goes on to say that "true compatibility consists of three dimensions: chemistry, complementarity, and comparibility."

CHEMISTRY: Dr Van Epp says that this "has been described as a powerful attraction, a feeling of being turned on, a sense of fitting or clicking with another, an instant connection, a good vibe, and the list goes on".

There is further interesting information available on chemistry and attraction in the emotional intimacy page on this site and Dr Van Epp also warns about chemistry:

  1. "Chemistry is not always a good judge of character."

  2. "Chemistry sees what it wants to see".

  3. "Chemistry is not constant even in the best of relationships".

According to Dr Van Epp, "Conventional dating practices assume that if you have great chemistry, then there is no reason not to have sex." Using Dr Van Epp's model for buiding a relationship, he warns that "going further in the sexual relationship than what you have established in the other areas of commitment, reliance, trust and knowing your partner will put you at risk of creating a false intimacy, minimizing and overlooking warning signs, and staying in a bad relationship too long".

COMPLEMENTARITY: Some questions to ask about complementarity, suggested by Dr Van Epp are, "Do you find that you become a better person by being with your partner than you would have been without your partner? Do your partner's strengths empower you or devour you? Do you feel admired and appreciated for the ways that you are different from your partner?"

COMPARABILITY: Dr Van Epp advises that at the very least, there should be similarities in the areas of "personality, values and lifestyle."

Personality: Studies have shown that "nearly all cultures placed high importance on the partner qualities of dependability, emotional stability, kindness and understanding, and intelligence." Other qualities identified in further studies were "warmth, expressiveness, intelligence, and humor".

Values: Are your partner's values around family, religious or spiritual beliefs ad finances compatible with yours? What about marriage or living together?

Lifestyle: Do you share similarities in the areas of work habits, leisure activities, and interests? Dr Van Epp proposes that "deeply knowing a partner is more than just talking; it requires an ongoing experience of togetherness".

 

Interesting Articles from the Web about Dating and Finding a Partner

 


From Ask Sam Friday (Sydney Morning Herald Blog): Meeting Mrs Right


In this Herald Blog, Sam Brett asks the question, "why is it so hard to meet Mrs Right?

Psychiatrist, Dr Victoria Lukats, conducted research and found that those who haven't been on a date in the last six months or had a relationship in more than a year, had accumulated a build-up of "Dating Toxins" .....

"Lukats posits there are five key toxins that most affect our search for a soul mate: shyness, fussiness, low self-esteem, lack of opportunity and desperation. Sound familiar? The trouble is most of us are completely clueless as to how to combat them."

"While there are no fancy jabs or organic diets that can do the trick, Lukats has come up with a unique "Dating Detox" that uses cognitive behavioural therapy, psychoanalysis and new dating etiquette. It requires consultations, exercises and homework."

A Marriage Made to Order - Telegraph, London

Julia Llewellyn Smith reports in smh.com.au about the growing popularity of using matchmaking services to find a marriage partner. An exclusive upmarket agency in London charges a considerable amount of money and guarrantees an 80% success rate of making a long term match. "Long term" for this purpose is defined as 6 months by the agency.

"All the research shows people are finding it increasingly difficult to find a partner because they're working longer and don't have time to socialise," says Denise Knowles of the relationship counsellors Relate. "In our cash-rich, time-poor society we're used to the idea of paying someone else to do things for us, be it housework or ironing, so why not pay someone to find your partner, too?"

"Scarred by their parents' divorces, today's twenty- and thirtysomethings are, it seems, looking for unions based on shared, enduring values rather than short-lived physical attraction. The shift from lust to longevity was heralded by Marian Salzman, an influential American trendspotter, whose past coups have included popularising the terms "metrosexual" and "singleton". Now Salzman hails the return of "arranged marriages", where friends and family help select a spouse. "Affection and mutual interests will be more important than lust," she says."

Suddenly Single? Stages of Overcoming a Breakup. smh.com.au blog, Ask Sam! Sex, Dating and Relationships

"Litres of champagne, boxes of Lindt Chocolate and many a one night stand have been had in trying to overcome a break up. And no matter how many times people may tell you that "everything happens for a reason", or that "there's someone infinitely better around the corner" or that "you'll meet someone else when you least expect it" (by the way, does this ever truly happen?), breaking up is never easy. No matter how bad or toxic the union had become and no matter how much gumption it took to finally make the break, the prospect of never again being able to sleep with, speak to or confide in the other person is a gigantic shock to the system.

Ask someone that's recently been separated or divorced and with gentle exasperation, they'll tell you they're "doing fine", when you know all too well that underneath their facade, they're crying out like an injured animal desperate to get back to their matrimonial cave quickly, forgetting why they ended things in the first place.

By the reckoning of authors Marni Kamins and Janice MacLeod of The Breakup Repair Kit (Canari Press), there are eight stages of a break up which can affect the newly single. The authors also dictate that in order to move on from the whole ordeal and come out alive on the other side without too much baggage, resentment or loose screws, we need to let the stages simply run their course instead of battling against their elements.

So with the rising divorce rates, the prevalence of affairs and the toxic break ups abound, we proffer up to you the eight stages of a break up in hope you can identify what's coming, where you're at and know that you're not alone but that if you ride it through, you will survive ..."

Are You (or are you dating) a Player? smh.com.au blog, Ask Sam! Sex, Dating and Relationships

"As an avid connoisseur of all things relationships related, (or so I like to believe), it strikes me as odd that two of my close friends are currently ensconced in unions that I'm completely baffled by. While I would describe them both as "casual dalliances", (after all they've only just met the guys and both never seems to call when they say they will), my girlfriends prefer to term their flings as "intense relationships with a guy they're hoping will propose sometime soon"."

"The trouble is that while the Player makes us feel like we're the most important woman in the world, (and makes us addicted to feeling this way), he's giving the same confidence booster to every other one of his conquest (or "opponents" as they like to see us). And if you've noticed that your man often decides to cancel you at the last moment, Kimes says don't fret.

"He'll tell you that he's working late or that he's not feeling well, but what's really happened is that he met a new opponent with longer legs and wanted to upgrade."

And when we feel our man is slipping away faster than our interest in speed dater with bad breath, we do what any normal "red-blooded" girl would do: we sleep with them. Unfortunately while we "see fireworks, he only hears the final buzzer," Kimes explains. "The game is over and he came out the winner. And now that he's won the game, he moves on to his next game of the series in his perpetual quest to play in the Super Bowl of love." "

How to avoid an unhappy relationship (and when is it time to move on?)
smh.com.au blog, Ask Sam! Sex, Dating and Relationships

"In the classic film Annie Hall, Woody Allen tells girlfriend, Diane Keaton, that a relationship is like a shark: "It has to constantly move forward or it dies. I think what we've got on our hands is a dead shark." (This was apparently referring to their real-life tumultuous relationship).

The film explores the question of the age-old dilemma: what makes a great relationship morph from steamy and sexy into an unsalvageable dead shark? Is it too many petty arguments? Fundamental character differences? Or simply unrealistic expectations? (After all, it's repeatedly drummed into our minds that being in a relationship will solve all our sad singleton woes.)"

In this SMH blog, Sam Brett explores the key elements in creating and maintaining a great relationship. A most enlightening video is inlcuded to demonstrate most succinctly, what you can do to guarrantee a relationship's demise in seven easy steps!

Relevant books mentioned in this blog include:

100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships: What Scientists Have Learned and How You Can Use It (100 Simple Secrets) by David Niven.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

No-lame ways to end a relationship - smh.com.au blog, Ask Sam! Sex, Dating and Relationships

Sam Brett from Ask Sam! offers advice on how to dump someone the non-lame way:

  • Never send them a text

  • Don't dump them in a voice message

  • Don't dump them over Facebook or declare you're "no longer listed in a relationship" even before the person realises they've been dumped. (True story!)

  • Don't dump them on the phone if the relationship lasted for more than two months

  • Don't dump them in their favourite bar or restaurant or place to hang out, otherwise they'll have nowhere to go when they want to drown their sorrows and forget all about you

  • Don't make small talk for too long - get straight to the break up point

  • Don't think that by playing the disappearing game it means you've broken up. It doesn't

  • Don't think having an affair means you're saved from doing the dumping either

  • Don't dump them in a public place

  • Don't dump them when you're drunk

  • Don't expect them not to seek revenge.

  • Don't dump them if you know they've got incriminating photos or video footage of you that could end up on the internet or circulating on the office email. Trust us, it's not worth it."

"Sad but true, psychologists will tell us that the only way to avoid the rebound is to "find ourselves" and work out who we truly are, before moving on to someone else. But as one successful rebounding friend constantly reminds me; "Don't be scared to rebound because you just could run in to the love of your life." Cheers to that. It's just the rest of us that have to worry about being caught in a rebounder's tumultuous web ... "

 

How to pick Mr or Ms Right

 


"Years of clinical research along with observations from his own private practice have inspired Dr John Van Epp to develop universally applicable, proven strategies to navigate the complexities of love." His book, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk - The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind, offers sound advice and provides very effective strategies for being more discriminating in choosing a partner. By combining the feelings of the heart along with assessing a potential partner's behaviour over time, Dr Van Epp proposes that making a successful choice of a long term partner becomes more viable.

He teaches ways to maximise the potential of finding "the one" utilising certain valuable techniques. Some of these include:

  • ASK the right questions to inspire meaningful, revealing conversations

  • ANALYZE your prospective mate's level of conscientiousness - considered the window of the soul

  • JUDGE character based on compatibility, relationship skills, friends, and patterns from family and previous relationships

  • RESOLVE your own emotional baggage so you're ready for a healthy relationship

  • OPEN your eyes to problems in the relationship and stop giving a jerk too many chances

  • IDENTIFY - and break - destructive dating patterns that prevent you from finding a life partner


    Notes on a JERK:

    "Jerks have no gender" - yet have certain identifying characteristics:

    1. They break boundaries - For example, "The Player. Players have an insatiable appetite for attention and the intoxicating excitement of infatuation." They seek the novelty of frequent "highs" brought on by a new love object and run a mile from commitment. They also like to hang on to the current love interest while seeking another at the same time.

      Another type of boundary breaker is the "Space Invader". "Space invaders have a never-ending entitlement to your attention, interest, money, time, and emotional support.

    2. They are unable to see things from anyone else's perspective but their own. "You feel a void of never being understood or validated."

    3. They have "a dangerous lack of emotional controls and balance." These people are unable to express feelings appropriately and often oscillate from being over indulgent to withdrawal.
 

Consultations to Achieve Dating Success

 
Dating tips and coaching for singles
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