Effective Communication Skills

Caring4Couples offers coaching & counselling in learning more effective communication skills, including:

• How to recognise that criticism seemingly directed at you by your partner is probably more about their unmet needs rather than there being anything wrong with you. Learning to let go of taking things personally is a skill well worth learning.
  
• Listening with more empathy through understanding your partner's position. There are two sides to every story.
  
• Learning the art of active listening to ensure that what you think you heard is actually what was said and meant.
  
• Clearly expressing your needs rather than using sarcasm or expecting your partner to be psychic.
  
• How to take responsibility for your own feelings instead of blaming your partner. Learning to choose how you feel about situations is an important skill to learn.
  
• How to negotiate effectively for win-win outcomes when differences of opinion or conflicting needs are a problem.
  
• How to manage your own negative feelings of anger, rage, fear, anxiety, jealousy etc. Caring4Couples teaches this through Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT).
  
• How to express gratitude and appreciation for your partner.
  
• How to develop trust through open and honest communication in a mindful manner.
  
• How to identify what it is you want or need and how to communicate this carefully to your partner without "putting them down" for not already providing it.
  
• How to express vulnerability to allow for a more empowering conversation between both parties. Learning how to create safety by letting down defences is important for succesful communication.
  

Other considerations for effective communication:

Dr John Van Epp in How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, advises couples to "Consider the balance of openness" between them. He discusses the importance of self disclosure in four important areas:

1. OBSERVATIONS AND FACTS - "stories about your day, situations you have encountered" etc.
   
2. PERSPECTIVES AND OPINIONS - "opinions about your friends", views about current affairs" etc.
   
3. EXPERIENCES AND EMOTIONS - descriptions of how you felt in various circumstances, and conversations you recount and explain."
   
4. NEEDS AND RELATIONSHIP RESPONSES - This area of communication carries the most meaning in establishing a romantic relationship "and the maintenance of intimacy in a long-term relationship.
   
   "Putting into words the feelings you have for your partner - your love, appreciation, respect, and admiration - generates and rejuvenates the bonds of intimacy.
   

Is what you hear congruent with what you experience?

It is all very well conveying information verbally. More importantly, does it match up with follow through action?

The popular saying "action speaks louder than words", holds true when it comes to effective communicaton between couples.

When a partner fails to follow through with the action/s to match the verbal communication, then lack of trust is the result along with possible anger and resentment.

It is imperative for successful communication, then, that behaviours are congruent with verbal communication.

Lack of safety and security are the common result from incongruent communications and can lead to relationship breakdown.

Talking and listening - do you have the right balance?

Listening is both an active and passive process.

Surveys show that the most important factor in marriage for wives is to feel understood by their spouse. "Without the skill of engaged listening, this is unachievable". (John Van Epp, 2006, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk.) Van Epp advises to "Try to find someone who shares your interests, values, and perspectives on life, and who can relate them to you with words and actions that are congruent".

"Many times the nonverbal message speaks more loudly than the verbal", says Dr John Van Epp in How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk.

"This is one reason why you should pay attention to you intuition, hunches, inner feelings, and vibes around a partner. You probably pick up on the nonverbals but just are not aware of it".

A good listener is able to convey to their partner exactly what they have understood during a communication transaction.

Speaking and listening skills take time to master. Accelerate this learning by contacting Christine Bennett on 1300 880 448 to secure your appointment now.

Smoothing out the tough times:

1. Sometimes it takes courage to speak out about what is bothering you. It is vital however, that this happens so that problems may be resolved. Both parties must be honest and forthcoming with what is on their mind. It is also imperative that this is accomplished without finding fault in each other by being accusative. Seek to understand rather than overpower.
   
2. It is really important that respect is given to each other's point of view. Accepting that there need not be a "right" or "wrong" way of looking at an issue goes a long way towards this skill. If one partner is "right",, then by default, the other has to be "wrong". This idea gets in the way of clear understanding of each other's perspective. If an attitude of acceptance in each other's point of view can be achieved, then this will lead to deeper understanding and a more positive outcome.
   
3. Adopting a humble attitude towards your partner makes it easier to let go of any tendency to push for your own needs at the expense of your partner's. Making way for two or more possibilities to be valid, opens up a new forum for more effective conflict resolution.
   
4. Learn how to forgive without holding a grudge against your partner.
   
5. Practice your bouncing back skills for more speedy recovery after an argument. It is more productive to make the decision to move on into spending some fun time together, to reset the emotional clock of the relationship.
   

Some Interesting Links

Following are some interesting links relating to Communication in Relationships. Please note that the views and information expressed on these linked pages are not necessarily those of Christine Bennett in Caring4Couples and are for general interest only.

Suffering in Solitude - A humorous account on how different men and women can be in their thinking. Men want solitude, women want sympathy - getting sick is an ailment in itself.

Staying Silent a Killer for Wives
Women who force themselves to stay quiet during marital arguments appear to have a higher risk of death, a new study shows. Depression and irritable bowel syndrome are also more common in these women.

Suggested reading on communication for couples - available from Amazon.com

1. Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, New and Revised
   
2. Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict
   
3. A Handbook for Engaged Couples: A Communication Tool for Those About to Be Married
   
4. 20 Communication Tips for Couples: A 30-Minute Guide to a Better Relationship (20 Communication Tips)
   

Arrange for an appointment to learn better communication skills: